I have not slept in over 24 hours. I also have not eaten a proper meal in those 24 hours either. This information may seem superfluous and unnecessary but I find information like this gives an immediate idea of the current mental state of the author. Why have I not slept? Because I keep sleeping throughout the day and staying awake all night and that was starting to annoy me so I have stayed awake for over 24 hours. Why have I not eaten? Because I just don’t feel that hungry and if I do I will just eat a bag of crisps or something.
Of course, we must look further into why I can’t sleep and don’t feel hungry. If we take this as reason in and of itself then we would have the answer already by definition. I just can’t sleep and I just don’t feel hungry. But obviously when something becomes habitual, a habitual loss of hunger and consistent struggle to sleep during somewhat normal waking hours, then it means there is something else wrong.
Yes, I have depression and anxiety. I have had it diagnosed for over a year now and it is something that I try to live with. But recently my downs have become severely more down and more constant. My character, more irrational and attention seeking. I just want to feel happy for a bit, for a sustained period. I want to not wake up every morning and think about how my life got to this low point, I want to wake up in the morning and have the will and the courage to do something about it. It is this mindset that has made me think about why I am truly depressed. Why I constantly have these low periods, and I think that is because I don’t believe in myself enough to get myself through them.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t loathe myself. I understand that I am a person and like all people I am flawed but also have some bits and pieces of me that are likable and desirable. More so than ever I feel like I have a relative understanding of who I am. The issue is that I don’t trust myself to bring me out of this depression. I don’t see me making a success of me. I know this is all mindset but I just can’t see me dragging me up out of this. It is not due to a lack of want, I want nothing more than to have done all the essays I am behind on, or eat healthy meals that I cook myself. I want to feel productive and proactive because I am at my happiest when I feel like this. But I wake up every morning and I just wish I didn’t and not in an melodramatic way, in an ‘I really wish that I could wake up and not feel like I am just going to waste another day’ way. I know it is all down to me and that only I can stop myself acting this way but I don’t trust myself to.
I also live primarily in the past. Lamenting and longing for days in which I believed I was happy, almost certainly with rose tinted glasses and nostalgia. Thinking of times in which, maybe I was not happy, but there was something worth longing for in those moments because it is better than the depression of the present and the anxiety and worry of the future.
Let me take a second to explain a few of the reasons why I might be feeling super depressed right now. I’m going to do these in a list because I like them and I like formatting lists:
I FEEL VERY ALONE AND LONELY
For the first time in my life I currently do not have either a girlfriend, nor are my parents together. I don’t have the relatively secure family unit I grew up with. My life has completely changed since then (and quite a few later reasons stem from this event), and I no longer feel a part of a family. I feel very alone in this respect; I have parents and they are both there for me but it is not the same as it once was.
I am also single for the first time in a very long time. As much as I wish that I could say that I have embraced the single life I can’t say I have and in all honesty, it doesn’t appeal. I miss being in a relationship, not just for the sake of being in a relationship, but because I like being close to someone and having someone to confide in. But likewise, I realise that this is incredibly unfair of me, that people have their own lives and that they are not there to make me feel better or talk through my issues with me.
This goes beyond relationships; I feel like right now I am a burden to my friends. I know that my friends love me and care about me. I am graced to have the best friends that I could ever ask for. But I live up in London, a place where I used to know people and have good memories, and right now I feel very alone. I have not made any new friends since I moved up here 4 months ago, I basically spend all my time in my room playing video games and listening to rather depressing music (I have a great Spotify playlist of this I will attach at the bottom of this), I feel like I can’t make new friends because right now I am not my best self. If I go into new friendships feeling the way I do at the moment I will do what I have done in the past, put too much weight on these new friendships and end up depressing myself because I made it out to be such a big deal. It is not fair on me and it is certainly unfair on anyone new in my life. I am scared to put myself out there, not because I dislike myself, but because I know that I will look too far into things and just hurt myself again.
In all honesty, I realise that right now I need to be alone, I just need to be alone in a productive way. A way which allows me to be friends with people and not be upset when I am not the centre of their universe, because I have put them at the centre of mine. Right now, I am alone but longing for a past that no longer exists and could no longer exist, just something that once existed and was securely better than this.
I HAVE NO REAL FIXED ADDRESS IN THE WAY I USED TO ANYMORE AND THAT SCARES ME
When my parents divorced, obviously, they both moved house. That was expected, part and parcel of the whole thing. However, it has been hard not having a place to call home. The way my life has worked out I moved to London, with only enough rent for 6 months, and must find a new place to stay after that. I know my family and friends would never let me go homeless but, to link back to my last bit, I feel like a burden.
I want to be able to go out, get a job for the whole summer and find a place to stay. But I have spent the last year struggling to get on with my life in an incredibly basic sense. I feel like I am not capable of doing all this because I feel like I will self-sabotage myself. I am worried because I know how I have reacted so far to this year and all the things that, I feel, have gone wrong. I know how seemingly little things can build up and become things that engulf my emotions and thoughts for hours. But, honestly, this scares me. I don’t feel ready for this but I feel like the world expects me to be ready for this. So, I suppose I must try my best to be ready for this.
I AM PROBABLY GOING TO GET KICKED OUT OF UNIVERSITY AND I HAVE NO BACKUP
I am not an unable student. I am actually quite pretty smart, I like reading and writing. I like thinking about things and issues. I like having an opinion (Corbyn is Crap, Third Parties are the reason the Conservatives still exist as a party and a progressive left/left of centre alliance could do wonders). But I have struggled, again, with university. I love learning. I wish I had the ambition to sit there and read and it is not through a lack of wanting to. I have had so many other things on my mind, about myself, my personal life, my living situation, my character, my worthiness to even be at university that I can’t stop panicking.
I feel like my university has probably had enough of me by this point. That I have had too many chances and, although they are sorry about my situation, it is probably best if we parted ways. I understand that I need to stake full responsibility for the lack of work I have done. Sure, I have excuses but I don’t think it is enough to make up for how poor of a student I have been.
But the worst part is that I don’t have a backup plan. I just thought I would get my degree then go from there. I don’t know what job I can do. I don’t know where would even take me on. I got rejected from the job I did for the whole of the last year. The place I worked for a year wouldn’t even take me back. I just feel useless.
END LIST BIT
There this is just a brief update on my mind. Just how I am feeling, why I am so down etc. etc.
Thanks, if you read this. I know it is a bit shit and looks at myself very harshly but this is how I feel right now and I kind of find it therapeutic to just put it out there.